


bitter relief

by yourlocalheartbreaker



Series: sumayyah writes drabbles! [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s05e01 Nameless Faceless, Gen, Hotch Whump, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Just Please Be Aware, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Sad Aaron Hotchner, Thoughts of Child Abuse, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29177892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlocalheartbreaker/pseuds/yourlocalheartbreaker
Summary: as hotch watches the loves of his life walk away, he is hit by a gross and guilty relief that he won’t even get the chance to become his own father.(post nameless, faceless, aaron hotchner sits in his hospital bed as his ex-wife and son leave for a new life and he thinks to himself)
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Jack Hotchner, Aaron Hotchner/Haley Hotchner
Series: sumayyah writes drabbles! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2142066
Kudos: 11





	bitter relief

**Author's Note:**

> tw: past child abuse, and Hotch, as a victim of child abuse, having thoughts that one day he would inflict that same pain. He does not, and this is not meant to say that he would. It is just a fear and an unhealthy thought pattern.

When Jack walks away, back into the arms of the only parent he really has, Hotch keeps his eyes open. He wants to close them, wants to pretend it isn’t happening, and that he’s really just in his apartment and that his son will be back in a few days time, but he can’t.

Because he isn’t in his apartment. He’s in a hospital bed, stitches and bandages covering his entire stomach, and his arms because George Foyet stabbed him nine times and punched him several more. And Jack isn’t going back to the house he and Haley were supposed to raise him in together because that’s no longer safe.

He is going into witness protection because Hotch has failed, and now the one thing he had sworn to protect Jack from was coming after him like a dog chasing a stick. So he watches as his son looks back just once, a wide smile on his face. He watches as he waves. And though his entire arm flares up with pain as he lifts it, Hotch waves back. The team had left to give him privacy, so he blows a kiss. Watches as Jack pretends to catch it, then presses it to Haley’s hand.

Haley looks up at him, and he tries his best to keep the tears at bay. He finally understands. She never stopped loving him. She just wasn’t the person he wanted and he wasn’t the man she needed.

Jack is looking up at her expectantly. She gives him a sad smile and ruffles his hair before blowing a kiss to him. Hotch freezes, and sees Jack glare at him. God, it was like looking at a younger version of himself. He also catches the kiss she blew and Jack smiles.

Hotch wants to freeze the moment. He wants to always remember this time, when Jack is smiling, convinced his parents are happy, with a belief in happy endings and love and all that is good. He wants to remember Jack as a child with innocence and hope.

Then they turn around, off to start a life somewhere he will never find them. A life where cameras will watch their every move to make sure George Foyet does not find them. Aaron hopes he doesn’t. If he did, then the only thing that had kept him going since the day Adrian Bale had blown up six of their agents and destroyed Jason Gideon would be gone. And he couldn’t survive another loss.

As they leave the hospital, he is hit by a sudden wave of emotion. Since he’d woken up, he had felt nothing but a bone-chilling numbness. He’d been terrified when he first realised he was numb. Had Foyet’s attack really done that much damage? Had it taken away his ability to feel? But then Emily’s eyes had met his, and the look in her eyes- tired, damaged, haunted, relieved, scared- broke his heart.

But he had felt.

And then she’d started talking and he had searched for that numbness because he needed it to stay alive. If he allowed himself room to feel, he would fall. And nobody would be able to catch him. Nobody would be able to make him feel better. He’d clung to that numbness as she told him what had been taken. He clung to it as Haley asked if they really were in danger. He hadn’t been able to cling to it as Jack came over and asked why he was upset and how could he make daddy better?

Because he wasn’t a father. He was just the person that played games with him and sang old lullabies on the days that the job he no longer knew how to do dragged him away. He told jack he was so proud, because he was. His son was the furthest thing from a monster. But that had all been Haley.

That was why he’d said she’d raised him. Because she was the reason he was not a monster. If Aaron had been involved, he could already see the hands that had already inflicted so much damage- how many unsubs had he shot? how many cases had he touched but not solved? how much blood would it take before everyone saw him as the monster he was?- turning on his son.

He’d always vowed he would never be like his father. and he’d succeeded. He’d never even considered hitting his wife- ex, his brain reminded him. ex-wife. But sometimes, the nights after an argument, he would lie awake, wondering why he’d ever let her love him when it would be so easy for him to overpower her.

Those were the nights that he went silent and pulled away from her. Those were the nights that she would trace the scars on his back, wrap her arms around him and tell him how safe she felt whenever he was around. Those were the nights that he would let himself cry, trusting her to catch him. He always felt numb after.

He didn’t feel numb now. He felt cold, and he felt angry, and he felt terrified, and upset, and he felt the need to grieve something he lost a long time ago and he felt helpless and-

Relief. He felt a bitter, ugly, guilty sense of relief.

Because jack is gone. Jack is going to be far away from him and he is going to be safe. He is going to be safe from Foyet and he is going to be safe from his own father’s fears.

Hotch had always vowed he would never be like his own father. Now, he wouldn’t even get the chance.


End file.
